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Citizens charter


Oh boy, how can I write this without either waxing lyrical or making lame slag-offs of Manchester and its nauseating head-up-arse music scene? Oh fuck it, here goes – Mark and Lard 0 Chris Philips 4 was undoubtedly our best result of the season. It was one of those “holy fuck” type performances that every team experiences from time to time.

We didn’t start off all that promising, it had the hallmarks of the Oasis third studio album (ie very painful). We did however weather the initial storm, and started to find more holes in the City midfield than a drug dealer’s torso outside a Manc night club on a Saturday night. After a little bit of concerted pressure, we had a breakaway, Wu Tang got hacked but the ref played advantage, ball to Cooper, inside the box and BAM. Sythed down quicker than a 10 year old black kid in a Moss Side chippy (old joke for those with long memories).

DC stepped up and slotted home. 1-0 to us and we went in apoplexy. Probably. The expected City immediate fightback didn’t really seem to materialise, indeed we went up a gear a little bit. In truth, we probably should have been 4-0 up by HT, but we did get a header by DC which found its way back in the onion bag. The City fans were POed, but at least they were cheered up by Man U losing 3-0 to the cocks. Oh well, it probably made their day…

Second half, and we were admittedly expecting a City comeback. Usual thing, we collapse and expect to lose 3-2. However, as time went by, it was clear that there was more chance of Joy Division making a comeback than Man City. Sadly, we weren’t getting the age old Maine Road tradition of a couple of kids playing football outside the Kippax and 1000 City fans watching that particular game instead. Still, we were making headway again, and the substitute Shipperley came on to give a bit of muscle.

And muscle he did – whilst (admittedly) most of us were taking the piss out of the Loyalist Fans In The Worldâ„¢ along came Shipperley with a 25 yarder that was sweetly struck past Nicky Weaver. 3-0 and it was a punch to rival that of Ian Brown on an air stewardess. Cue mass exit of the LFITWâ„¢ back to their lives of drug dealers, wannabe Stone Roses strummers and bar staff. Poor fuckers. Of course, WFC being WFC just had to take the piss a bit more, and boy did we – on the stroke of FT, Shipperley slotted home again and much jubilation ensured (together with a rather uncomfortable walk back to Piccadilly).

This result, coupled with Man U’s 5-3 comeback made the home side’s support day end as horribly as Factory Records. Us? Well, we had fun with Virgin trains but I’ll come to that later. Much fun.

As for the bit you’ve all been waiting for, well….

Plus points: We win. Away. In front of the team who are supposed to walk it this season. Keeping a clean sheet. With KC back, we look a lot more solid. Some of the passing was sublime (ho, that word again), even Kevin “no, I like sleeping in laybys honest” Keegan was impressed. Attack looked sharp, it’s pleasing to see that we have quite a few options up that part of the pitch now – DC, Wu Tang, Shipps, Neilsen etc – which is something we’ve never had for a while (and yes, I am aware that I did question the attack last week).

Minus points: None, really.

The referee’s a….. : …incisive and advantage-playing good egg. Well he was for the first goal. Actually, he was quite good, though the NOTW did complain that he missed a KC backpass. Hmm, make him very good.

Barnsley mark II (see Barnsley away report last season) : The temporary stand we were bunged in (which depending on where you sat contained either a very excellent view of the pitch or a very excellent view of the Kippax stand) was rusting at the base. The seats were falling apart a bit as well. Thankfully they are moving to that Commonwealth stadium, which should allow visiting fans a better opportunity to get out of Manchester quicker.

We are the Goon Squad and we’re coming to town, beep beep : (1) The Met copper at Euston before we left asking us if we were Millwall fans and telling us that the train to Walsall (where the Lions were playing) was indeed a dry train. Right…. (2) GMP copper with a Scouse accent trying to nick a couple of Wombles at Piccadilly for chanting humerously at the humorless City fans on the other bit of the platform. Cunt.

Quotes: (1) “Last time I went swimming I was a sperm” – the legendary Roy “Viagra” Cappell after the game. No, I don’t know why it’s relevant here, but I cracked up certainly. (2) “You’re not Ericsson, you’re not Ericsson, you’re not Eric, you’re not Eric, you’re not Ericsson” – Dons fans to flop England manager and rent-boy loving Kevin Keegan. (3) “Shit” – Often heard phrase after the game by pissed off City fans. Me, I wasn’t saying anything…. (4) “Zola’s mum is hairy, Zola’s mum is hairy, I shagged her once and it was scary, Zola’s mum is hairy” – train coming back by the massed Womble rowdies. (5) “I don’t know why they’re called Virgin, they’ve been fucked so many times” – CUNW coming back. And yes, I do paraphrase quotes…….

SW19 – Inter city jibber: Well, kind of. I lost my train ticket in Manchester (without realising it until I got back to Euston) and probably would have had to resort to classic football away day travel tactics had I been asked to show it on the way back. And my ticket.

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) Nearly getting done on the way up by Virgin for having (a) two return tickets, and no outward, and (b) the wrong “pair” of tickets. Some people. (2) Why was it fucking sunny in Manchester and pissing down in London? (3) Did we really win 4-0? (4) When we were 2-0 up, the scoreboard went dead. Then came back to life stating it was 12.00 and the score was 0-0. Then went dead. Then returned with the right time but still 0-0. Went dead. Score came back saying it was 12-0 to Wimbledon. I knew the game was going well, but not that well, surely?

Truth is stranger than fiction special : the train journey home: Deserves its own section. (1) Booked on the 1828 to Euston. Train eventually left at something like 8pm. No driver, basically (2) Us all going to Crewe to catch a train (any train) to Euston. (3) The Man City fan who lived in that Buckinghamshire dump and said “it’s a fucking dump”. (4) There was a 8 year old West Ham kid who sung most of the West Ham songs, including “East London is wonderful” complete with the “tits, fannys” comment. He then went leering at two attractive females (well, they were probably mooses) along with a couple of slightly older horny Wombles. I suggest that Dagenham Ford stop polluting the local water supply, it’s doing strange things to the population. (4) The sight of about 8 very drunk Wombles with shirts off (except one – eh CUNW? 🙂 ) doing a conga up and down the train. Being led by hyperactive 8 year old West Ham fan. (5) Going through Aston and Witton realising it was something like 9.45pm. (6) Stopping at that Buckinghamshire dump and the obligatory wreck-the-place / piss-on-the-station rituals took place. (7) Wishing that confessionals were running on the journey back (about 2 other people will get that). (8) Getting into Euston at 11.30pm, sans ticket, on a train that was due to leave Lime Street at 18.45pm. (9) Me looking at price of hire cars for next long away journey…..

Reasons to like Man City: Well, Mark and Lard always make me laugh, might try and get on their show tomorrow. Oh, and the stewards seem to come from planet Earth…

Reasons not to like Man City: All right, I’ll be honest. I hate Mancunians in general, and I always want Man U to win the Manc derbies. Why? Basically, the Man City “we’re loyal”, “we’re a big club” etc cock-waving stuff pisses me off big time. Yes, Man City have a load of support. That’s because they’re one of two major clubs in a major city, and if it wasn’t for football then most of them would have ODed by now. More’s the pity. If City fans didn’t keep ramming their loyalty down everyone else’s throat, I probably wouldn’t hate them so much. I’ve heard it mentioned that City are just as arrogant as Man U, but with less reason to be arrogant. I think that’s the nail hit on the head – it’s a classic Mancunian trait, always believing you and your region is more important than you really are…

Point to ponder for thick yarpie lawyers: Man City have a massive fan base (who are very loyal, don’t forget), big stadium, more burger vans etc and who do, let’s be honest, generate a lot of money. This is, apparently, the only setup needed to win the Premiership. WFC stuffed them 4-0 yesterday, despite not having much of anything. So then, how would moving a club to Suicide City, Bucks, improve its lot? If a club underachieves, it will underachieve regardless of how big your fanbase is. We all know DimDim is too thick and up his own hairy arse to read and understand this, so just keep this little nugget in your mind..

So, was it worth it? Despite being utterly shagged out thanks to Virgin, yes.

In a nutshell: Watch us lose our next game.