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Well at least the ground thawed out enough so we could endure enjoy Bell End 2 North End 0. Well, all right, I’m being unkind – we did actually play OK, and when was the last time we actually got TWO goals late on in a game? It was pretty bloody cold, mind, and the longer the game went on, the lower my body temperature got. As for who scored and what, it took a while – long while actually – and finally Neil Shipperley netted. Well, actually, it was a lucky finely anticipated backheel following a shot by Dazza H. A couple of minutes later, and in a move which killed it all off, some work on the flank by Jobi who whipped it in for Wu Tang to slot it in the onion bag made things just a little bit warmer.

Had enough of reading long sentences? Me too. So…

Plus points: A win. A bloody win. And a clean sheet to boot. Nobody actually played that badly, shame the game itself was uneventful save the last 5 mins. Shipperley’s best game in a while, definitely deserved the goal.

Minus points: Shame that Coops and Ardley didn’t play that swift. There is more chance of Richard Reid being allowed onto an aircraft wearing Dr Martins than anyone at WFC being able to cross the ball

The referee’s a…….. : … actually, he was all right, but the occasional mishap did irk.

Nice touch: Wu Tang and Jobi’s tribute to Kurtis Townsend by pointing to their armbands after the second goal

Points to ponder: (1) I wonder how we would have got on if the threatened promised front two of Wu Tang and Nowland really did play? (2) Didn’t Ships look more fitter and indeed more sharper than previous? If that’s what getting the flu does to you, somebody hide the Night Nurse.

SW19 Coaching Manual: I know we won 2-0 today, but there are some aspects of our general play that really do need examining with immediate effect. Quite frankly, I’m fed up of explaining in words what it is, so in case any of our players are passing, please read and pass to Terry Burton. Thank you.


The inaminate object as illustrated above commonly regarded as the GOAL. It can be usually identified by having a big fishing net at its back, and can usually have another player in front of it wearing big girly gloves, often referred to as a goalkeeper. That is what Kelvin Davis’ job is.


The usually white (or if you prefer, yellow) spheretical object that is carried onto the field at the end of play is called the BALL. It is often identified by a big corporate logo on its exterior, which is usually sewn in by slave child labour camps in the Phillipines for a pittance, or for the same amount of money that WFC make on their Official Programme, whatever is less

Now, the basic idea of the game is to put the spherectical object inbetween your opponents wooden structure as many times as possible. There are two approaches to this, the simple approach and the Wimbledon FC approach. Please examine the two pitch plans below, and compare and contrast the flight of the ball with players in certain positions.


As can be seen from the two illustrations above, one approach is extremely straightforward and is adopted by about 99% of teams. The other approach is laborious, supposedly “pretty”, extremely frustrating and is a major factor in not winning games. If any passing player wishes to know the answer as to the preferred method of scoring a goal, please be aware that the incorrect answer shown above was being utilised far too often today and meant we didn’t wrap the game up as early as what we really should have done. Thank you. (next week on the SW19 Coaching Manual – How To Win Friends And Influence People, by C.R.Koppel)

Speaking of thick, deranged, completely irrational and come to think of it suspiciously un-human like Yarpie lawyers: He didn’t turn up to the OWFF meeting with all those newly elected members, all of whom were vocally anti-MK in their manifestos. Not like him to not attend meetings. Come to think of it, was he there today full stop? Or did he gobble and choke on Wankelmann’s wish bone over Xmas and we’ve yet to be told?

Quotes: (1) “SHOOT!!!” – oft-heard phrase today, but was yelled just before Holloway shot towards goal which allowed Shipps to backheel Pele-like for the first goal. You see, the manual above and the directions the Holmesdale gives out during games CAN win matches. Fees are negotiable. (2) “Charlie, give us a wave” – Holmesdale checking to see whether Boy Blunder was actually there. Or alive. (3) “Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, jingle all the way. Oh what fun it is to see the Wombles win away” – traditional chant by football fans. Sung by us at our designated “home” game. It’s funny, but a decade at this dump was supposed to soften us into accepting it – if anything, it’s done totally the opposite. Like we all knew it would.

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) That Jingle Bells song really WAS weird. (2) Reading THREE different Y&Bs and not getting bored by any of them. Well done, guys. (3) Were Preston really in the playoff positions? If they can be, so can we. (4) Quite a few PNE turned up. Pretty quiet though.

Anything else? Yeah, Pompey is all-ticket, though after last year’s ECW-style rumpus that is probably no bad thing.

So, was it worth it? Why yes, I would say so.

In a nutshell: At least things on the pitch are looking up