Celsiscum Fun Page

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Hello everyone, and welcome to the CelsiScum fun page. Yes, as you know, Celsi fans are well known for their intellect, loyalty and tolerance towards those far superior to themselves. And as good natured people, we at SW19’s ARMY would like to give any passing CelsiScum fans something to do whilst they learn how to understand the words in this fanzine that are more than two syllables

Here then is a selection of games, puzzles and brain teasers which will while away the hours between leaving your home in Guildford and to the nearest JD Sports to purchase your brand spanking new Autoglass shirt (because of course you can’t get tickets for the games)

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Graham Le Saux is really happy at the moment – he’s just found out that the man of his dreams is available. He got sent a rather unusual love letter in the post the other day, but has a great deal of difficulty wondering who it is from. Can you help him out?

The letter reads:

“My first is in Red but not in Lolly
My second’s in Sod, ‘cos you are a wally
My third is in Bum Bandit, for you are a poof
My fourth is in Bollocks, your career is a spoof
My fifth is in Vaseline, your lubricant of choice
My sixth is in Irritate, which sounds like your voice
My seventh is in Flatulance, and also in Fart
My eighth is in Ponce, that’s cos you like art
My ninth is in Whale Wank, which is your football skill
My tenth is in Look, Your Face Makes Me Ill
Eleventh is in Celsi, who make you look twatty
I’m finally in Crap, as beaten out of you by Batty

Now I have finished, your whole life’s a farce
I know that you’d love to do me up the arse
Of skill and discipline you are plainly bereft
But I’m just a fat red Scouser from Toxteth

Who am I?”

(answer at bottom of page)


Uncle Ken Bates, known as “God” at Ponti Stamfordi, is in a bit of a pickle. Not content with putting up Season Ticket prices to fund his slave farms in South Africa, he now finds that he needs to put up electric fencing, to stop the CelsiScum fans leaving the stadium before the match has finished. He wants to do three things: first, he wants to keep them in, secondly he wants to shock them into giving him more money, and thirdly he wants to generate enough current in the fence to boost the average CelsiScum fan’s IQ into double figures. He has three sets of voltages that he can employ. Can you help him decide which ones to do what?

a) Keep them in the Stadium 1: 100 volts
b: Get more money 2: 10 Volts
c: Increase IQ to double figures 3: 40,000,000,000 Volts

(answer at bottom of page)


Below are three famous Celsi Fans, who epitomise the tolerance and intelligence of the average Blues fan. Can you recognise them? If you can, remember to fill in the blanks so you too can become as famous as them
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During a walk through the Champs Elysee, Frank LeBoeuf and David Ginola cross the road for their daily meeting with the representatives at L’Oreal shampoo/hairloss clinics. One day, whilst crossing the road, they notice that there is a huge Renault driving along at great speed. You are driving the Renault – how quickly should you stop to let these two huge French superstars cross the road in safety?

(answer at bottom of page)


rixmaze
Oh dear! Little Jennifer, aged 9, has gone to the local shops for some sweeties, and now she’s got lost and can’t find her way home. What’s worse is that it has become nightfall, and Celsi Assistant Manager Graham Rix is on the prowl. Can you help Jennifer get home through the maze? She must beware though, because Graham Rix is looking for her, and if he catches her, he’s going to take her to a hotel room, where he’ll stuff cocaine down her, force her to watch stag videos then give her a fucking sore arse (and leave her with a rather salty taste in her mouth). Can you help her find her way home to safety? Remember, Graham Rix is a sick paedeophile, and he preys on little kiddies like Jennifer….

In 1994, Celsi played Coventry City at Ponti Stamfordi, where they attracted a crowd of 8,923. In 1998, Celsi played Coventry City, also at Ponti Stamfordi, where they got a crowd of 33,395. Can you work out the difference between the two attendances, so that we can find out how many big-mouthed, Nazi-saluting, ethnic minority hating, gloryhunting, bad breathed, fat, Ken Bate loving, pseudo-Italian sounding, fickle, arrogant, Man United wannabe, school dunces, gullible, socially underdeveloped mental retards have latched on to the CelsiScum bandwagon since Matthew Harding fell out of the sky and Ken Bates took a load of money grabbing leeches called foreign players into Ponti Stamfordi?

answer below


ANSWERS:

GRAHAM LE SAUX: The mystery lover is Robbie Fowler. Well, he did ask Le Homeux to “take me up the arse, big boy”

VOLTAGE: a – 2, b – 1, c – trick question, as even a brain transplant with Einstein wouldn’t lift the average CelsiScum fan’s IQ much beyond 9

LEBOEUF/GINOLA: Actually, you wouldn’t stop in a circumstance like that. In fact, you would speed up, connecting with LeBoeuf, knocking him down to the ground. You would then stop, reverse over LeBoeuf’s head, then his neck, then his ribcage, then his legs, then his head again for good measure. As Ginola would have dived out of the way, you mount the pavement, chase after him, knock him down, then do the same sort of thing again, only this time you find a razor and shave Diver’s hair off. After this, you go to the carcasses of the two fallen footballers, and you subsequently urinate on the corpses, yelling at the top of your voice “take that you French Fuckers”.

ATTENDANCES: The amount of big-mouthed, Nazi-saluting, ethnic minority hating, gloryhunting, bad breathed, fat, Ken Bate loving, pseudo-Italian sounding, fickle, arrogant, Man United wannabe, school dunces, gullible, socially underdeveloped mental retards that have suddenly discovered that they support CelsiScum is a rather telling 24,472 – and yes, these are the real attendances because I got them out of Rothmans. No CelsiScum fan would ever admit to gloryhunting, because they have all been supporting the Mighty Celsi since 1970, even the ones born from 1971 onwards