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Smelling of Fish


Thanks to Joe Coral, I was able to write this report up without relying on my increasingly appauling short term memory. So, here goes : God 1 Satan 3 was weird, because despite it being a win, nobody was talking about the actual game itself. Nobody was talking about Kevin Cooper’s return to form with two pretty stunning goals. Nobody was talking about Danny Oakins’ totally flukey mishit shot expertly crafted lob. Nobody was even talking about their admittedly well struck goal. It was all about … well, you’ll see later on. As for the game, we really did enough to warrant the win, G&G weren’t really at it that much. Still, can’t knock 3 points.

As for the rest of it….

Plus points: We won. Kevin Cooper seems to be back in confidence. Should really have been 3-0 up by 20 odd minutes.

Minus points: Conceding a goal. Joe Sheerin’s hamstring gone – out for 6 weeks now.

The referee’s a ……….. : Oh gawd, how can I write any of this without breaking libel and slander laws even further than before. OK, compose thyself : the referee, nameless as I seriously doubt he has a legal birth certificate, was described very early on in the game as Napoleon. Reason being that “he looks little and has got a power complex”. I will ask said person in future for lottery numbers as rather spookingly (and disgustingly) that’s exactly how it turned out. Things were going relatively OK for the first 60 minutes then he lost it big time. To sum up his performance without me getting sued, he played 20 minutes of injury time, he sent off Robbo, TE and Paul Braham (our fitness coach) for breaking up a fight. He booked Simon Bassey as well but then who hasn’t? Those there can doubtless fill in your own expletives for him, personally, I think the guy saw the crowd and lost it. Either that or he is having sexual liasons with Koppout, Wankelmann and a decapitated deer from Richmond Park.

And if you think it couldn’t get any worse, he’s an ex-Prem ref and is (ahem) officiating us next week at Walton. That is, if the little chickenfucker can shake off the police escort he reportedly received after the game.

Womble Aggro : All of these are alleged incidents, no legal burden should be placed here at least (especially as I blatantly nicked them from other places). Reportedly the G&G manager told his players to do Oakins at HT. That was the instruction – singular. At the end of the game, their number 8 got – or was attemptedly – punched by one of our rather irate fans. This was followed by people shouting abuse through the ref’s dressing room, and – reportedly – their players throwing stuff through the dressing room window back at us. Now, I did hear afterwards that the CCL could see fit to deduct points, if so I suggest a huge effort to legally get them back – what I saw today was one of the most disgraceful refereeing performances in over 20 years of watching soccer. And there was me wondering before the game why coppers were needed at this level. Shame the players of opposing teams see fit to throw spanners in the works when their clubs are making all that effort to welcome us – wonder if the players stayed for a drink afterwards?

On a more pleasant topic: Godalming town centre is quite nice. Full of old people, a few genteel tea shops and a closed kebab shop. Pleasant riverside walk too, shame Guildford is a dump.

Sing for your supper: When we weren’t trying to discuss the ref’s performance in a vigourous and impassioned manner, the target of our acerbic wit was the opposition goalkeeper. “Keeper give us a save” and “keeper give us a twirl” were two such lyrics (and yes, he did do the second one). He came out with loads of credit and can justifiably boast to his mates at work on Monday about his Saturday afternoon. Other than that, nothing really, though a “You’re not singing anymore” to the 5 G&G fans did raise a wry smile.

Female of the species: The G&G physio was female. Was seen walking out of their dressing room with rubber gloves dangling from the fingers, and many of their players seemed to require her attention. Hmm. SW19 is of course an equal opportunities webzine, and would therefore not like to comment on the scurrilous lie that due to a woman physio, the G&G squad have the highest number of stiffened groins in the CCL.

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) Did I really see David “Celsi Chief Executive” Barnard in an AFCW top with Peter Miller there? And did he really yell “Get off the pitch” to me at half time? And did I really jokingly flick a “v”-sign at him back? (2) The nine hole, par 3 golf course next door, which didn’t actually look too bad. About 19 golfers decided to watch the game instead of doing their round, of which four spent the whole game there. Leaving one Womble to decree “Oi golfers, pay your money”. (3) Rather like the Reebok Stadium, the players came out two different players tunnels. Given the after game shenanigans, that’s maybe just as well.

Anything else? Did I mention what a cunt the referee was? Oh yes, I think I covered it

So, was it worth it? This was strange, I don’t recall being so angry over a win before. At least not due to events on the pitch.

In a nutshell: Beware of the MIB. Or is that DIV?