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Witney Houston


Oh christ, how can I write about our 200 billionth straight win without repeating myself, or sounding jaded, dismissive of the opposition or indeed sounding like a home counties Man U fan, complete with newly purchased shirt and Premiershit Plus subscription? OK, here goes ……. it finished Orange Order 6 Orange and White 0, both Joe Sheerin and Gavin Bolger got two goals each. KC netted with his head and got disallowed by a linesman clearly in shock at seeing him use his bonce. First goal a bit of pinball, second goal from an angle so tight that it seemed to defy any laws of physics, remainder of the goals a mixture of decent headers and mix-ups

Except one goal : I believe we may have seen our goalie do what people like Lurch couldn’t do – score with a goal kick. Basically, it bounced a couple of times from the other end, and the HW goalie fumbled it like a new prisoner fumbles a bar of soap in the communal showers on his first day. He suffered the same sort of arse-fucking from behind as well, as he saw it go into our net. So, did he touch it? Did the hovering KC get a little touch? Have we seen the sort of goal we’ve always wanted to see? Until we get official confirmation, I’m giving it to our #1 shirted player. Hell, even Phillo gave it out on the tannoy as such. Well, stops him plugging his DT candidacy I suppose……

Onto more interesting matters

Plus points: Record wins. Clean Sheet. Six goals. Kept going even when we were 4-0 up, and looked hungry for more.

Minus points: If you can count taking our foot off the gas with about 20 minutes to go

The referee’s a……: Now, we all know what they say about having household pets with firework displays. And I assume that the guide dog of today’s official was shitting bricks in the cupboard under the stairs, which is why he wasn’t helping its master out today. Decided to miss most things, though he did give a free kick to us as one of their players fouled MC Harvey. A dangerous thing to do, as later tonight the player who found him will find himself laden with bullets through his honky ass, after fronting one of the So Solid niggaz.

Them: Intrigue and mystery, non-league style, abounds here. Yesterday, their manager (one “Big” Geoff) quit HW for reasons unclear. Today, on hearing from a source quoting another source quoting Terry Eames in the kebab shop (this stuff writes itself, doesn’t it?), the HW main bods wanted to bring in four ringers from Aldershot. Big Geoff reportedly said “no way” and threatened to quit if they got said ringers in. Anyway, they did and he did. How true this story is I don’t know, though their #2 and their goalie looked good in parts. Would have been funny had the ringers been their back four. Anyway, they hit the post but were otherwise shit.

Weather with you: Christ, was it cold or what? I could hardly write notes down as my hands became as operational as the HW’s goalie’s attempt at stopping our goalie’s shots.

Rock hard election: Now that the utterly stupid “don’t-campaign-unofficially-except-if-you-pay-for-programme-space-and-hoarding” rule has been scrapped, the first signs of heavy campaigning has begun. Already, unofficial ads for certain candidates were seen on various walls and at the back of the hAE, I await to see the first public slaggings off. Now, SW19 has firmly nailed his darkened colours to the proverbial mast, you will have to get the latest WUP to find out what I’m saying (come on, all proceeds go to the Ground Fund, dammit), and I do stand by it all. So there. Incidentally, I didn’t go to it, but there was a surgery type thing beforehand, with reportedly about 10 prospective candidates there. Out of 20 on the list, and assuming that figure is legit, that’s not a very good start for half the field, especially as formal opportunities to interrogate the candidates isn’t that plentiful.

Point to ponder: Apart from Paul Scott’s gloryhunting play? There isn’t one really, not today. I’m too cold to think.

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) Me getting told off for calling our goalie a “fucking idiot” for dropping the ball in our box. We were 6-0 up at the time. (2) Niall Couper’s new book, signed by everyone (including Mr Couper himself), and it’s a damn good read. Except page 182. (3) Was MC Harvey REALLY up front towards the end of the first half? (4) 3004 there. Amazing.

Franchise FC watch: Oh god, this is so funny. They lost 3-1 to Rotherham, they had a yoof team goalie playing (poor sod) and he got sent off. No idea how many Frannies made the long journey from Football Frenzyville, but I’m sure a couple of taxi drivers went home happy today.

Anything else? Yeah, by the time (some of) you read this, the events at Wimbledon Stadium tonight will have been and gone (as I find dog racing tedious I got out of it by slinging a sly fiver for their raffle). No doubt everyone will be pleased to see the dogs there running around, on all fours, panting away. And some people may be interested in the greyhounds as well

So, was it worth it? With that cold snap, it bloody well ought to be

In a nutshell: Champions by when, exactly?