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Pride of Merton


Having just about dried out thanks to the now ludicrously sunny SM4 climate, I think I feel dutybound to report on SW20 2 SW19 3, at that favoured haunt of AFCW, namely Gander Green Lane. If ever a game had no right to be played, it was this one. Walking in with rain that looked like it would get heavier – and did – and with a pitch that not only resembled the Somme but was capable of producing WW1 style injuries as well, anywhere else would have seen a postponement. But this is the CCL, and this was the traditional bank holiday Merton slugfest. The show, as they say, had to go on.

Which was a shame as it was an instantly forgettable game. Your humble/esteemed editor managed to miss two of our goals, first goal apparently by Matt E, second one one of the bestest anywhere OGs of all time ever. Apparently. And where was I? Rocking the tea bar, twice. Oh yeah, I saw both of Vile’s goals (their second goal was pretty good), and quite simply had we lost, it would have been fucking poxy. Especially to that scummy lot. I saw the third goal by SSK though, an absolute screamer into the top right corner. Or was it top left? Never mind, he seems to be able to do that in crappy games.

I’m sure the picture speaks for itself. Meanwhile…..

Plus points: Won. Kept going in inhumane conditions. Good to see Jones Bamfo starting. Somehow motivated enough despite being league/cup double winners. Attempting to play some resemblance of a passing game.

Minus points: Failing in attempt to play some resemblance of a passing game. And yes, our defence is shit. Not just me saying it either.

The referee’s a…..: Apart from chickening out and letting the game go ahead, he handled the pressure cooker situation of a Merton derby quite well. Can’t remember him doing much wrong TBH, though I was more interested in keeping some resemblance of being dry.

Them: They all turned up in their hordes from Grand Dive, all ten of them. Who actually made quite a racket when they scored. Come to think of it, so did their goalie after both Vile goals. Mind you, he was a bit dumb larging it to us behind him, getting a dismissive verse of “Champione” and “Enjoy it while it lasts”. Nice little write up in the programme though, wishing us well. I suppose they want an invite to a future “Teams Of Merton” tournament, featuring us, them, T&M and Colliers Wood….

Weather with you: Rained not only cats and dogs, but with a few rabbits, stoats and caribou thrown in for good measure. Christ, that wetness really sucked. In fact, it sucked more than Jenna Jameson did in Oral Fixations. Left you just as wet and unable to get your trousers off as well.

Slutton: OK, I do like GGL but next time we go there, perhaps Rose of “Rose’s Tea Bar” fame (or whatever her establishment is called) could get her pinnyed up arse in gear and serve people quick enough so they DON’T have to spend 30 minutes in the queue.

Crowded House: Yet another “there were more than that in there” game, 1400 do you? Good turnout anyway, despite the match having as much relevance as the Socialist Alliance*

* – I was going to say as relevant as the Lib Dems but all the Lib Dems I know are more than capable of doing untold damage to me

Point to ponder: Why the fuck was it an 11.30am kickoff? OK, I know that AFCW vs Vile games are clearly on a par with Cardiff vs Millwall, but even they don’t have to contend with extra early starts. Plenty of shagged out people, and it clearly wasn’t anything to do with Friday night either

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) Having the floodlights on at 11am for a game really does push it somewhat. (2) Wasn’t the sight of our player – KC I think – being dragged through the mud at the end funny? (3) Was there really a sign for “Plough Lane Coachworks” on the advertising hoardings? (4) Your humble and esteemed editor greeting an offside decision with an “Oh Fuck Off” very loudly. Nothing untowards, except the two coppers who walked right behind me at the time looking, well, bemused……

Anything else? Yeah, was it me or did this game seriously drag on today? Even flying to the Far East feels quicker.

So, was it worth it? Not really.

In a nutshell: We’ll meet again, don’t know where, don’t know when. But I’ll know we’ll meet again on a day that isn’t chucking it down…..