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Straight and Harrow


I am of the opinion that all football games that kick off to a temperature of 25C or higher must be immediately called off until a more realistic temperature is reached. At least, that is how I remember Harrow 1 Eton 1. Your humble/esteemed editor was getting settled before Matt E scorched one in from a free kick, about 2 minutes in. And this was no ordinary Matt E goal, this was trapped, chested down and hammered home harder than a giant hard hammer type thing. I think I managed to get his goal, see right picture. Can’t trust the shutter speeds of digicams though. We kept pressing, but just couldn’t net. True to form, in the second half, Boro penetrated our defence and slotted home. Tsk. The heat took its toll afterwards, though t we didn’t half come close at the end…

That enough on the semantics front? Good. Here’s…

Plus points: Didn’t lose. Pressed forward even after conceding. Defence looked pretty solid for the most part. More than look comfortable on a Ryman Premier level.

Minus points: Didn’t win. Strike force probably Ryman 1 standard.

The referee’s a…..: Oh boy. The sarcastic applause on 85 minutes when he gave a decision to us said it all. And his lino boyfriend managed to somehow spot an infringement which led to a Boro free kick. Even more amazingly, he saw it from 50 yards away.

Them: Bloody hell, isn’t Harrow poshe? The area around the ground wasn’t bad. I shudder to think what their firm must be like – West Ham have the ICF, Portsmouth have the 6:57 and Harrow Borough must have the Toyota SUV. Nice enough hosts though, seemed quite grateful for us coming down. Bit of a shame we couldn’t have taken more people, though apparently the M25 was utter shite and the tubes are pretty tiresome in this heat. Oh, and their #9 looked like Carl Cort and played like him as well.

Quotes: (1) “It must be quite difficult being the man in black today” – 1970s Drummer Womble to your humble/esteemed editor. Look, I have to suffer for my art. Anyway, it’s more difficult being stuck in a lift with Jennifer Ellison and not being able to undo your zip (2) “I can’t see Harrow scoring” – your humble/esteemed editor again, with a reverse Nostradamus effect. Using this same level of accuracy, I predict a long, healthy and successful season for Franchise.

Weather with you: Hot. Bloody hot. Scorching hot. Real three-bottles-of-water-in-one-hour hot. May I recommend bottled water from the UAE, as bought in some Asian shop in Harrow high street? Full of nutrients, and another fine Arab export, along with mathematics, seven star hotels and terrorists. Anyway, it was hot (in case you hadn’t gathered) and I think anyone who enjoys this weather is either a liar, a fool or completely moronic. Roll on winter

Point to ponder: I mentioned earlier that we are really going to need a Ryman Premier quality striker. I wonder if that’s why Joe Sheerin is being kept on? Would make sense, if he can have a consistent run of not being unfit. Incidentally, he was there today, training. Didn’t play though, but at least he’d have an excuse for being red faced before the game.

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) The tea bar’s tea was made with tea leaves. Which must be the first time in public tea leaves have been used in over 15 years. And it does make tea taste far better, trust me. (2) Being described as “Mr Chalfont’s mate”. He’ll love that. (3) Anyone else notice the London Transport sign with “Borough” behind one of the goals? And what about the clock by the turnstile? Or rather, the Countdown style clock with a £3.99 job from Woolworth in the middle.

Franchise watch: Oh, who gives a fuck? They’re a bunch of cunts who molest poor innocent kiddies for deviant kicks.

Anything else? Yeah, apparently one Womble was stuck in a train with a load of Palace fans going to QPR. By all accounts, they looked shifty, a bit low down on the evolutionary scale and not pleasant. Perhaps that’s why Gadaffi wants to buy them out – he’d look respectable compared to the average Croydonian.

So, was it worth it? Football wise, guess so. Shows what we can do. Could do without the red skin.

In a nutshell: Phew, what a scorcher

And finally: Please buy the next issue of Four Four Two. You’ll see why.