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Swift one before Xmas

Erk, erk and erk again. I knew this wasn’t going to be a hassle free Xmas – I’ve just remembered I hadn’t written up Swifts 0 Crows 1, and I’ve misplaced my notes. Well, I haven’t, but I can’t be arsed to do a “proper” one. So this might be a different and far shorter one than usual. Sorry. (not that anyone will be reading this right now, and chances are most people will only read this as an afterthough post-Staines…) Anyway, some random musings:

– This is the first time we’ve won in Essex since the old king was alive. It was as though we’d somehow managed to carry on the Aldershot mettle into the first half certainly. Second half was a bit of a midfield war of attrition (ie crap) though.

– Lewis Cook’s free kick really did feel like it went in slow motion. – Their goalkeeper looked like Jens Lehmann. Our goal was quite similar to the ones the Arsenal keeper lets in… – Swifts were right dirty cunts at times, certainly the foul on AL wasn’t what I would call festive cheer. And I’m sure that one of their lot struck out at Gell right before he was sent off. – Come to think of it, how kewl was it that Gell went and joined us after his dismissal? – Other than that, Swifts were nice enough hosts. Free mince pies courtesy of the club, and gleefully reminding us that their turnstiles were the old Plough Lane ones. Wonder if we could buy them back off them? I understand at least one Womble tried to pay £2 to get in and claimed “that’s how much I paid the last time I went through these turnstiles”. – One for the conspiracy theorists and the unhinged: we took a coach which was called “Anderson Coaches”. And it was in green and white.

– Speaking of DA, he really didn’t look happy about something yesterday – basically he seemed to have a permanent scowl on his face. Even when we went off victorious he wasn’t all smiles. Wonder why? Incidentally, he was seen walking onto the pitch and off it a couple of minutes before the two teams came out for the first half….

– Highlight of the first half was the two Swifts fans in with our lot in the first half. We’re talking about a village missing both its idiots here. He really didn’t grasp that we were taking the piss out of him, and the battle of minds between us and the two of them was painfully one-sided. Just imagine an elephant fucking a rat and you’ve got the idea of the mismatch. Best of all was the “Gervais, but without the pubes” chant (one of them looked like Ricky Gervais pre-puberty), to which said fuckwit replied : “What do they mean?”. Wonder if he ever found his way out of the ground unaided?

– And finally…. the Swift Chicks. Yes, the hot gyrating ensemble of Heybridge’s finest females, welcoming us all with open legs… er, arms. Check out two of these beauties here. Well, as you can maybe tell, there’s a slight tone of sarcasm there (although to be fair only one of them would likely turn you gay). Seriously, I walked in and was greeted by the site of four of them on the pitch, who looked like they’d been dragged away from a secluded fire escape outside an Essex nightclub. Nice to see that we have WAGs even at this level. Mind you, you should have seen the rejects….

– Fuck it, one more thing : the Swift Chicks are prepared to perform at away games apparently. No doubt Tintin Haydon will somehow arrange an “adaptation” of their routine, though some extra material might be needed for the costume if that was to happen.

That OK for you all? Merry fucking Xmas, and normal service might be resumed for Staines on Boxing Day.