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Making a Rick

If the phrase game of two halves wasn’t such a cliche, I would gladly use it to describe Whizz 3 Billy 2. I’ll start off with the first half, and will repeat verbatim my notes that I wrote down..

Feels quiet, bit dead. Game not settled down. Billericay attacking too much for my liking. 1-0 great shot outside box by Wales. A bit against the run of play but who cares? 1-1 bollocks. “Wake up Wombles”. Just like last week. Seems lethargic.

Rivetting stuff, eh? If you got bored reading that, you weren’t half as bored as I was writing it. It did seem that recent events had finally caught up with us. Had we blown up too soon? Was the energy generated by the last month or so finally receeding leaving us with an 18-point gap and a massive headache? Certainly, that’s the way things were heading.

Of course, something was bound to happen, and it did. In these situations, you can often thank one of our players for conjuring up a bit of skill. You can thank DA for a tactical switch that bamboozles and baffles the opposition into a fatal error. You may even thank the crowd for giving the team that ever-so-important lift. Well, for this game, our gratitude falls to three Billy Ricky players, whom contributed almost tirelessly to our second half.

Here’s what happened. Their GK challenged RDS with studs showing. No contact made, which probably saved him. Play continues, RDS and goalkeeper square up. Their #5 rushes over and all hell brokes loose. Basically, the #5 falls down once to try and get RDS sent off. Realising it didn’t work, he gets up again and falls over WWE style for the second time. The soft as shite nonce must have thought he was really clever and hard. Funny that after the second attempt at dying he got up and went as far away from RDS as possible…..

Anyway, RDS and the goalie both get booked, while the ref failed to do anything whatsoever about #5’s impression of a cheap hooker. Things then calm down for about a minute. Then, their #4 (not their #6 as previously stated) has an “off the ball incident” with RDS and is sent off. Now, I advise you to watch DonsOnline, because it is the best reaction ever after a sending off. Watch it ALL the way through, and send it to Bravo.

Needless to say, when you fuck off the Wombles, expect things to happen. If somebody ran onto the field and twatted their narky goalie, they would have easily claimed provocation. But instead, we got our own back in a different way thanks to Steve Wales, who basically drove through their shotstoppers legs. And let’s face it, it’s the biggest thing to ever be inbetween their goalie’s thighs : we’re talking hung like a baby carrot here. A doormouse went up his shorts once and came out with a tape measure sniggering loudly. Presumably he needed to cheat to make up for a very real lack of virility.

And he really lost it by then. Standing further away from his goal than need be. Not bothering to attempt to save PL’s goal. And to complete his mental breakdown he left his waterbottle behind at the end, rather than face the TE. Let’s hope RDS wiped his cock over it, although their goalie would probably enjoy the taste..

TBH I really can’t understand why Ricky needed to cheat so much. If we’re playing shit like Ramsgutter, I can understand it. But this lot aren’t bad, they done us over at their place after all. Maybe these sides really do hold us in awe and can only find one way of competing? Shame none of them admit it though.

Oh yeah, we won 3-2. Usual last minute goal that we seem to concede too much at the moment.

Got all that? Good. Here’s…

Plus points: We won. Tricky fixture. On top. Dealing with some pretty cheating antics by talentless fucks cynical play well.

Minus points: Conceding twice. Laboured at times.

The referee’s a……: I’m not too sure whether he was shit or he just had his hands full. As we won, I’ll give him the latter.

Them: I’ve said enough about their team, except they probably thought they were in an Essex nightclub the way they carried on. Oh yeah, didn’t they do similar to Shane Smeltz last season with their play-acting? What goes around comes around, eh? Report abounds that one of our backroom staff had to intervene to prevent their #5 getting to feel what it’s really like to be smacked in the chops. No idea whether it’s true, though I hope it isn’t because I don’t want any of our lot in hot water because of those cunts.

Their fans don’t escape scrutiny either, by all accounts a humourless version of Bromley, and not nearly as charming or friendly. What were they singing during Ivor’s half-time presentation that made him react? An element of theirs seem to have adopted on-field antics off it as well. Firstly, I saw one of their fans slung out rather forcefully by a copper. Why? According to somebody near the incident, it was because their fan tried to headbutt one of our stewards. Charming. Then, at either half time or at full time, there was apparently an incident in one of the bars involving a couple of Ricky……..

Point to ponder: Why did we have new caterers today? I can’t say I was over-impressed by the tea, and reaction wasn’t favourable from the rest of the fayre on offer. Have we fallen out with the old caterers? Or is there something a bit more, well, less clear….?

Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) The mysterious non-appearance of any Ryman official in presenting their award. Be honest, have you ever seen a league representative refuse to turn up in such a manner? Hopefully, it’s a message….. (2) How crap is our on-field microphone? Come on, hasn’t the club heard of Maplin?

Anything else? Yeah – the lesser spotted Robin Shroot has been picked for the Northern Ireland under-20s. Well done to the lad, but I have to admit I was shocked that he (a) qualified to play for NI and (b) is good enough. I don’t believe it myself – you’ll be telling me next that God Save The Queen will be played at Croke Park….

So, was it worth it? Yup.

In a nutshell: Our push for promotion/mid table continues.