Hooray. It’s back. Everyone start jumping for joy. Yup, Pop Idol has returned and aren’t we grateful? Lots of gormless fuckwits attempting to sing, with those who can somehow hold a tune signed up to corporate record companies, performing bland, over-produced musical offal and shifting loads of heavily-fiddled unit sales to the brain-dead and musically retarded Great British Moronic Public before being sent to Turkey as kidney donors when the next bunch of hopefuls (and hopeless) get their chance. Oh, and the CCL started again, and wasn’t Seagrave Haulage 0 Travis Perkins 2 the start we needed? This could have been a big banana skin, but in fact it turned out pretty comfortable in the end. Feltham are one of the better teams after all
If the truth was known, this was about a 5-0 or 6-0 scoreline (to us, of course), but our shooting was about as useful as Idi Amin’s 2004 calendar. Still, we did have most of the possession, and when we did score on half time (no, forget finding out who the scorer is) it was no more than we deserved. Second half, despite them sort of coming back into it (well, we let them have a couple of runs on goal) it was basically more of the same. Few easier-to-score-than-miss situations, Matt Everhard spurting delightfully at just the right time and we all went home with satisfied grins on our face.
Enough of all that, it’s back to the usual…
Plus points: We won. Away. At a potential landmine. Generally good defensive. Attacking looks very promising
Minus points: Ball. Foot. Goal.
The referee’s a……. : Was a little bit slow on making a couple of decisions, but he usually gave them to us. Lenient as well, only really blowing up for the obvious fouls, and even then not getting his cards out. We all would like to see this sort of refereeing to be the norm this season, however as we all know, there’s two hopes of that happening. And the other died a couple of weeks ago
Them: It has been six months since the nuclear winter passed over West London, and now the dust clouds have risen from the decaying landscape, the aftermath is apparent. The grass was dry and scorched, the area desolate and unlike last time, there was hardly anybody about. The inhabitants, too scared to come out of their crumbling abodes for fear of another cloudburst (or was that because they knew PISA were in town?), were nowhere to be seen. I thought Feltham had improved just a little bit since I last went, though obviously it hadn’t. And just to prove that it’s not just us poor souls who survived the first onslaught, I pounced upon an unsuspecting first timer (I have that effect on people) to Feltham to gauge her reaction to the surroundings. Her words? “Surreal”.
As for the team, etc, they were a bit lippy as expected, though compared to our bench they’re quite quiet. Their players, especially their #9 got a bit of stick. Still, he loved it.
Quotes: “Fucking sodding fucking pen fucking won’t sodding fucking write fucking sod cunting fuck”. Actual dialog from your humble and esteemed editor after his pen refused to write in the oppressive atmosphere. I apologise to everyone offended by my moderate language.
Planes, trains and automobiles: Aren’t planes big? This is one of two fixtures where I totally disregard any pretence of watching the game and instead watch those big flying things in the sky. Judging by at least two other people (nameless) I wasn’t the only one. Saw a couple of United, two Aer Lingus, an Air India, lots of BMI and the last times I saw that many Virgins in one place, I was looking at the home section of a Franchise game. Coincidentally, how many of you wished you were on one of those planes? I certainly did….
Song sung blue: No Pop Idol wank today, but PISA were there in force. The CS got a justifiable airing, as did some anti-MK stuff and, in a lovely nostalgic outing, some anti-Chelski ditties as well. And was there an all-too-brief rendition going of “Charlie Koppel sucks a penis, Charlie Koppel sucks a [insert mammal here] penis” before some gits started a louder Wimbledon chant up? Elsewhere, “Cooper Loves His Ginger Hair” was established to the world….
Point to ponder: Personal bugbear here, excuse the rant. Feltham Arena proves to me just why British sport will forever be shite. Opened in 1966 and not touched since then, it’s a disgrace. Now, having been in the last 2 years alone to places like France, Germany, Belgium, let alone the US and Canada and seeing their setup for grass-roots stuff, and then compare it to Feltham, it’s pretty obvious why these countries do so well and Britain doesn’t. Although you could probably put a decent stadium on Feltham anyway, no wonder kids wouldn’t want to train on it. The toilets were rank (the ladies toilets apparently were just as bad), the whole thing would have been condemned eons ago. Just look at the old ILEA ground at Morden Park as well. Funding? Christ, perhaps if local authorities didn’t waste so much on red tape, lining their own pockets, and whatever else they do with taxpayers money, there would probably enough left over to give decent facilities AND not scrimp back on other forms of local ameneties. And has anyone mentioned tie-ups with local business….?
Truth is stranger than fiction: (1) Our goalie looking like a 1930s baseball player with those knickerbox trousers. (2) Seeing “Stinky Pussy” painted on the side of the changing room pavillion. Methinks it doubles up as the local nightclub. (3) The sand is still on the pitch. Has a half-life of 5000 years, obviously. (4) Those rugger type chappies coming off at Twickers with their polo shirts, poshe accents and expensive continental lager. They even look different to us working class football oiks. (5) Feeling like I was back in Glesga. (6) Standing up in the stand a la Selhurst…..
Franchise FC watch: Oh hell, I said I wouldn’t do this. Anyway, they lost in the last minute to Stoke. Guffaw. Elsewhere, Michael Hughes made his debut for Palace and got sent off. He’ll go far….
Anything else? Not really, unless the SW19 readership can think of something. Need a killer instinct in front of goal though.
So, was it worth it? Aye
In a nutshell: Life on plastic, it’s fantastic.